[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
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Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Posting this on behalf of a friend
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
…u ok Nintendo?
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???