my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
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Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week