Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
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I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Dance like you’re not the father
Me too
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
A Short Story.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday