Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
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Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.