Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
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how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks