Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
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Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue