surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
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I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
bad
worse
worst
worchester
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED