[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
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Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs