Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
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But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Herpes is trending, good job people
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Getting married soon just need a spouse
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
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(人__つ_つ
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.