Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
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I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Sharon I have some bad news