*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
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You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.