It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
You Might Also Like
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Chicago sounds lovely.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.