Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
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I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Wait a minute…
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.