What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. đ
You Might Also Like
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u wonât buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Confession: Iâve said âCanât wait!â about things I actually could wait for.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
$3 #books
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
âI knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.â
-the first hipster
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like whyâd you want more marbles.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
just nearly combined âno worriesâ and âall goodâ into the powerful concluding remark âall worriesâ
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narniaâs closed.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Me: I canât wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. Whatâs my dentistâs name again?
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said âsitting with all of your friends?â And he said âyeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.â I love the holidays!!!
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.