I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
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Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!