with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
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What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one