In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
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[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Thursday
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”