After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
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If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”