DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
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I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
One of the best
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.