The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
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90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.