Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
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*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)