This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
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ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye