Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
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[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.