Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
You Might Also Like
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school