My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
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I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises