Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
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Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
uh oh
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
pelicons
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick