You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
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When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
saw this in a dream
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.