Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
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kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off