People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
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Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
A dead goose is called a ghoost
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying