*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
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Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
time for some seasonal decor
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
When someone says you are so lazy
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.