“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
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Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Awwwww shit.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
my astrological sign is a french fry
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.