Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
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I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.