Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
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Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Noted.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.