Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
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Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers