who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
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I hate my earbuds.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Personal question. #JustSaying
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Yup.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday