[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
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*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey