customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
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Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.