I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
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Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Cat is stressing him out.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.