One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
You Might Also Like
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
There’s never enough good news
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]