Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
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[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.