Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
You Might Also Like
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
And bowling should be called pinball
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.