You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
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Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension