” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
You Might Also Like
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Nothing.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap