While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
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11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers