What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
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*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.