My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
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Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.