Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
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A couple who are silly together stay together.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom