I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
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Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh