I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
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“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Life is a suicide mission.
pictures of spider-man
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you