I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
You Might Also Like
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
My time has come.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.